exposed feelings; a new time of life

I thought I would be so good at this. I thought, "no problem, I have always been pretty independent. I like a degree of change now and then, and after all it is the natural way of things."

I was so wrong.

Being a work at home mom has always had huge advantages too.

Until now.

Having a super close relationship with my son has always been such a wonderful thing. Talking, sharing ideas-there was very few things we did not talk about.

But that has made this so much harder.

Thankfully, he called yesterday. I would probably be having a major meltdown if he hadn't. And I am not going to call him. I made that clear on the phone that if he needed us in any way, we were here, but he had to be the one to initiate.

Even though I would love to talk him everyday.

He has stuff to do, and a new life to forge. This is his beginning of being on his own. Self discovery and making choices without me is part of it. He is focused on new tasks, new people, and new ideas.

And I am excited for him.

But it is true what they say that it is harder being the one left behind.

I miss him so much.

It is interesting how it hit. At about four o clock on monday I had a sudden, profound sense of loss. Then as yesterday went by I had to force myself multiple times not to think about it but had a huge sense of relief when he called.

And today I am just so sad. And it hasn't even been a week. I guess this is the flip-side of being so close.

I think of my own mother having to let go, because when I went to college I never looked back.

Mom, how did you ever do this with me?

I am forty one years old and I have a son in college. And although I have prepared in all sorts of tangible ways with oodles of work to do...

It is still not enough.

It seems sort of unfair that the reward for doing a great job as a parent is that your child does not need you like before. True, you will always be a parent, but things are different. The role has fundamentally changed, and the mark of success is separation. It is healthy.

But it is painful.

So this moment has me facing some feelings that I guess I thought would skip right by me. And it isn't fun. It is such a mixed bag of being grateful for the success and being in mourning for the fruit of it.

One day at a time.