in denial, reality dawning

I am at work doing my thing.

And part of "that thing" is keeping our household going. Working at home means that sometimes the most efficient way to get everything done is to mix the business chores with household chores etc. Such is the life of a stay-at-home-mom/business owner/artist (not necessarily in that order)

and not for long. At least the stay-at-home-MOM part.

My kid goes to college in just over a week. And one of my "things" to do today is to wade through the final details and make sure that everything is in place in preparation for the big DROP-OFF on the 24th. Doing what I always do, making my lists, thinking through last minute items that need to be purchased, making sure the very last forms have been turned in, phone calls...

and reality is dawning.

I am looking at the college info... mundane instructions of how that day will play out, like

8AM check-in and pick up orientation packet... then unload your belongings into your apartment... etc. et..

There is a painful tug at my heart.

Just looking over the info is killing me. If I can't even look at the info, HOW in the world am I going to behave on the day of the big DROP-OFF?

It is crazy. I am not a super sentimental type. In fact I think one of my flaws might be that I sometimes live more in the future and in the process miss the value in any given moment. I have to work at being truly present. But when it comes to moving through this particular moment, this "future" I get stuck.

Our little family has been SUPER blessed. We all have been healthy. We have had some fabulous experiences traveling. We love each other's company and are intertwined in our creative pursuits, often getting inspiration from each other. We have traveled down a spiritual path together that few families have. And now we are coming to a milestone that some people only dream about.

I should be grateful beyond measure, and part of me is. But another part wrestles with the closing chapter that is the nature of this milestone. Sure it is also a new beginning, but it is the closing, the endings of some things that I grapple with now.

Like the deep conversations that happen at random moments.
Morning cappuccinos and weekend french toast.
Working together on crazy projects all in the name of art.
Laughing at each other and with each other.

I could go on and on, and I know it may seem melodramatic, and some of these things we will still be able to do post-college,

but it won't be quite the same.

Like the day I let go of a little boy's hand. A tiny boy of only five starting his first day of kindergarten. A little boy barely knowing how to tie his own shoes stepping into the first stage of growing up, the leaving of home for a short time each day...

things weren't quite the same.

And now this.

It is the natural order of things. Growth and change are the positive things that mark our lives and make them worthwhile. And we, as a family, can point toward a bundle of them that have composed the beautiful path I can look back on with pride.

But this is still hard.

I know that right now my job is to take these moments (in the next days and week, and then THAT day) and set the tone. Set a tone of celebration for this milestone. Hopefully being mindful of this will help me face that day as a proud mother, dressing the day with encouraging words and cheerful thoughts, empowering Daniel for the next part of this incredible journey...

and not be a weeping, blubbering idiot when it is time to say goodbye.

I can do that in the car on the way home.